Still up at this hour.

It's only the end of the first day of school,but I'm definitely feeling more studious. Every time I get stuck at a question,I hear his voice guiding me and telling me what to do,what I should look out for. It's just an imagination,probably an inner voice or intuition guiding me. More like a record player on the play,playing back the exact sentences that he has told me before.

Again,its only the first day of school. I'm feeling very motivated! I believe the effort is going to pay off but then again,who's going to see? Maybe they saw but didn't say a word about it.

At the end of the day,a tedious long day which I'm mentally exhausted from 8-5,I only have a wish. That there would be someone around who would give me a long hug,a shoulder that I can rest for that moment before we both get back to the same routine again everyday.

Just a long hug,a quiet moment of the evening.

My determination to go to TJC is more than ever now.

With school starting tomorrow,I feel so much more motivated and studious knowing that there are people whom I can ask for help in school. I enjoy packing and sorting out all my notes,knowing these will be the precious information that's going to get me going to my goal at the end of the year.

JIAYOU!
I know that at the end of the year,the results shall bear fruit to all the effort I put in now. I MUST REACH TJC. It's either there or nowhere else. I MUST REACH THERE. I HAVE TO AND I MUST.

I do wish sometimes he could tell me something that gives me a little glimmer of hope.
You know,sigh.

Had tuition today and he lost his patience. Not that he blew up,but I could sense a very huge disappointment in his tone. You know,breathing out very slowly and slowly softly,slowy.... You just know it. Well,some times he seriously makes me feel like I'm stupid. But whatever. Being smarter academically is for my own benefit too and damn,I do wish that I'm smarter.

Some times.. I just feel that I'm very turned off by him. He's got a bit of ego in him. Yeah,I know he's charismatic,but humility please. Otherwise it's just such a turn off. But then again,isn't me being turned off a good thing? I mean,then I can move on from here. And his mind is just so,just way too complex for me to understand. I have a very simple and naive mind,you know. I cannot comprehend what goes beyond that,nor understand complexity.

He often questions what is happiness. Which got me thinking too,what is happiness? Am I happy? I would say yes. But why? Well,let's just say that I'm not unhappy about anything,or depressed. I'm happy with my life,the way it is. The friends around me,things that keep me entertained and perhaps even by listening to music. So may I ask,why does he seemed so unhappy? Like,unhappy about life,feeling so frustrated and agonising himselfe mentally? What a weird thing to do. Can't he just think simpler? Strange I suppose,but perhaps that's just him. Whatever. -shrugs-

I just kinda not wanna see him sad or agonize himself this way,you see. I'll be upset too to see him unhappy... Sigh. :(

Just,in any case,I just really really. Wish with all my heart,that he'd one day be..
Mine.

Not mine,but be with me.

"Is he blind?! Such a nice girl here right beside him and he still don't want?!"
Well. My dear,he has already made his decision and there's nothing I can do about it...

I just went to see Kar Min's profile. And I see her brother taking a leap in his profile picture. It must have been inspired from his sister. Smart and kind family,from what I remember of. I will never ever forget this painful memory from the past,that I actually have the chance to be like them. Irina's in RJC. Kar Min's in Anglo-Chinese Independent. I will never forget,I did have a chance back then. Elizabeth and I chose a different road.

Both of us may have a chance to experience life much earlier than them,all the fun in the world like what a teenager should have. But I feel that in the long run,in life,what they had done is the best. To study first then enjoy life much much later. Then again,which is better?

To be in our shoes,or their shoes?

Experience life much earlier,playing like what a teenager should?

Or miss out on our teenage life,study and earn big bucks in future. Indulge in the fineties of life much much later? Pros and cons of both options.

I feel obliged to catch up,and prove. It feels like I have been hibernating. Wait till I show them the hidden talent inside me. You know,like a sudden surge of intelligence being awaken in me. Or is that a joke? Hahaha!

To anyone who's reading this,many comments and advises you feel that you should be giving me right now. You think it will help me,but have you lived my life and seen through my eyes?

No.

What you think you dished out for me is what you think works best for me. I can listen,but ultimately,the decision is mine to make. I hope you can respect that as well,as I have always respected those that you all have made.

Hang on,I'm orchestrating a beautiful piece of music.

Some times,I have another voice inside me that pacifies me. That's my inner soul,whom I shut out its voice in my everyday life. Until I finally felt so frustrated,then I hear its voice. And this time,its gently pacifiying me. Telling me that:

Everyone is unique,we all are destined for a different fate. They may have theirs,paved out in solid concrete road. Its clear,its straight. Mine may not be a straight road,it may not be stable,but at least,hidden surprises are there along the way to make life much much more interesting.

Delights in life...