I fell in love with someone,but he said no.

So to move on,I shut him out in reality but he always penetrate into my chain of thoughts. While writing,eating or watching a movie. I cannot imagine a future with him but there's that.

He turned back and told me he's falling for me,that took me by surprise.

wah kao.. it's like submitting all your proposals to your boss and having them all rejected one by one until you nothing to say. LOL. Seriously. Initially you still can ask your boss why reject right,even though it's a warped reason. But the more they reject,then the more you just lan lan shut up liao la. WTF. Seriously. What can I say? WHAT CAN I SAY? LOL,3 letters.

WTF.

XY says that I'm very xinfu to have found someone who bothers to sms goodnight wishes. More than just goodnight wishes,but sweet nothings that serves as constant assurance to me that he's still here. I'm glad too bee,I'm very comforted to know that you are here and will be here.

I miss you.

当我需要你，你不在身边。当你需要我，我不能在你身边。有什么意义呢？你告诉我，我们该怎么办？

I honestly have got no idea why I am feeling this way,

But I just feel very insecure about us. Maybe my friend is right but just some consideration to be taken into place. That first of all,he's a uni student,he hasn't met many girls yet and it is most likely that they will ask him to study together after school. Really,I don't eliminate that possibility either because this is only sem 1,this might REALLY happen in the next sem.

Every guy tells their girl that he's different,but hey,the irony is that its exactly what they said that makes all of them the same! So how the hell do I know that he's absolutely/for-sure/guarantee plus chop that he's staying and won't be attracted to other girls?

Much confidence as I have in myself about my own character etc,opinionated and strong will-ed,I don't deny that I can't be compared to other girls academically. I'm 18 and just finished secondary school,there are many other girls out there who's 19 and already entered university. It really does makes sense,why shouldn't he choose them over me? I mean,they're smart,they can study together and eat lunch together,plenty of time can be spent together in each other's company!

So.. I was told not to put in everything and give all these some consideration. I don't deny that it's a possibility,but I will definitely keep a lookout for any first signs of infidelity. Oh wells,I'm pretty gloomy over this. And as what people always say,action speaks louder than words. I'm quite sure he's already trying,is he? Or is it because it doesn't seem to go the way that I expect?

What am I thinking? Is it exam stress? The feel that we are not spending enough time together as a couple and that we spent time together as how any classmates would,yes or not? =/
I really... Insecured.

It's been 3 weeks since I last updated. I just went to check my marks for english and math paper. They are super fast,seriously. Good or bad news is that,I borderline fail or pass for both papers. But at least I more or less know what's going to come out for tomorrow's papers.

Much as I tell myself that those grades are achievable,its seem pretty hard to obtain now. Not that I am losing faith,but I just wonder. What happens if I don't get my results? What are the options to opened up for me? I know what he's bound to see,give me that "See? I told you to study but you didn't listen." Thank you very much,but the last thing I need was someone to focus on the problem than looking forward with optimism and suggesting a better answer.

Then again,all might not be lost. We'll just hope,see and pray hard for the results that's going to come in January. So what's going to come? Hmmm..... I honestly don't know,feeling a little lost but slightly optimistic because I know no doors will ever be shut out for me. All I need, is faith and optimism.


What I need to do,is really look and stare at my question. I realise a lot of problems are due to my carelessness. Alright,I gotta make this work. Really,I have to.

Living in a constant wonder if we are perfect for each other.

Always pondering,insecure. The slightest bit of reluctance to agree can throw me into the abyss of insecurity. Often wonder if you would be here,supporting me through and through or would abandon me at the first sight of a brewing storm?

HONESTLY.

What do you want me to say?

We have very different views and stand on this. You tell me that you have always been like this and will always be like this. Then now,let me honestly tell you this too. I have always been and will always be like this. Call me wilful,but if things are gonna go my way then I foresee no quarrels for sure. Especially about this issue. It's a very major thing on my side,I don't like to hide things and I get fucking tired if I have to specially hide anything. For awhile,yeah,fine. For in the long run,no thanks. You can say byebye.

You know me,the harder you press,the more I rebel. The more I dislike it,the more resentful and unwilling I will be. So how will it be then? This or that? Huh? Irritated and utterful hateful to the max.

Happy 1st month anniversary,my dearest bee

It's 4am in the morning now.

I remember that a month ago,we were having wine by the pool side and talking about our future together. What difference would it make if we get together now or later. After words of assurance,I asked to go to the toilet. You know,not that I really need to but I found myself blushing and feeling awkward. It was just an excuse to hide my growing excitement of what I thought was about to happen.

And as expected,I came back and found you holding your wine glass,standing by the pool. You looked like you are deep in thought. So holding my glass,I walked over and as usual,asked what you are thinking. You gave a smile,and said I knew it. I was afraid and excited,to know what you might be asking next. I didn't dare to ask further more,for the fear or taboo of speaking about it might simply spoil the chances of it coming true.

So here goes.
You said: So,taking a leap of faith,would you like to be my girlfriend? I remember seeing the grin on your face. I remember how I felt,so excited! Yet fearful at the same time. I asked... But... I didn't answer you directly,but you didn't realise. Eventually,I said alright then. I didn't say Yes. But you know what I meant. I never knew that a mere couple of hours where we sat by Bedok Reservoir,where we drifted into silence,where you suddenly told me the words
"I think I'm falling for you."
would simply turned into reality after. You know,that made me very very happy.

Well,I call that 'A moving moment'. Just like how I would have captured any other significant moment in memory,so this is just another scene. Even though you will never ever find out about this blog that I have,my dearest busy bumble bee,happy 1st month anniversary to us.
If I have my wine glass in hand like we did a month ago,I would make a toast.
To now and many more to come.

Need another place to rant. Totally. I'm like so crazy about study. Minutes seemed to slow down and hours are like dayssssssss. Checking out some O levels study tips,which are probably useless anyway because the motivation comes from I myself.

Checking out some online website that some geek created to help everyone else. If there's a need,I would probably print out the summary of the notes that I think are helpful though I am very against the idea of doing more harm to the planet. Seriously,killing more trees. Sad much :( Okay,I can't afford to be in a dilemma right at this moment. Damn,can my physics teacher quickly return me my file so that I can do my revision.

And damn,why the hell is cut-off points lower for science stream in JC? Belittling the arts meh? I totally love literature and well,not really humans but lanuages. Still,the world will eventually need a balance of both.

Only if we have more time.

We often wish that we could spend more time together with each other. By wishing so,it goes to show that our yearning for each other's presence is far greater,doesn't it?
-winks-

Tonight.

Tonight,
it's not about him. It's about you.

Because you don't use facebook or twitter,I guess the only way is write it here. Thank you so much for all the guidance,care and concern. Maybe you can consider a career switch to counselling? Haha! But nevertheless,it's quite unexpected but I'm very glad to hear that.

It just take a wee bit more for me to be moved to tears. LOL!
Goodnight,Sensei :)

Just finished talking on the phone with him.

Quite a few topics but so damn uncertain we are for the future. Though we may sound optimistic but the results are still pending. We just gotta wait. Damn,waiting.. What happens after things don't turn out the way we want it to be?

Correction. The words sounded hopeful,and optimistic. But the tone between the both of us just sounded a bit,nonchalent. Or conceding defeat to Time that this won't be able to work out.
Sigh.

Qian yi,weijie and desmond played mahjong at my place yesterday.

As kaizhi suddenly called qianyi,that was how she knew that I actually had a boyfriend?

Boyfriend,the term sound so. Funny. Or weird. I don't know.

So as they were asking. Some times,I'm pretty much confused with myself as well. Am I really in love with him? Or infatuated? Really... I don't know either. I know I definitely used to like him very very much. But now.. Some times I doubt that he really like me as much either,or maybe he's just busy with school? Is this a feeling of insecure? I read a lot into words,expressions and so on. So it's like,even though I gave him replies like "I like you just the way you are -hugs- " And he'll be like talking about something else. Pretty much seem to be avoiding all these sort of things?

I mean,we weren't like this before. Or rather,I wasn't like this before either. So maybe I should avoid doing that and acting all that lovey dovey,yeah? Perhaps,a nonchalent attitude would make him realise that there perhaps may be something wrong in this 'relationship'. Then perhaps each of us,will seek a solution to this. I must admit,it feels kinda sucky to have this kind of 'underground' relationship.

Just feeling insecure,that's all.

It's not like I desperately need that status for affirmation. Sure,I can wait. It's just that his logical mind scares me at times,that I worry that I may be a disposable option to him. And the wait for year end. I don't know. I shouldn't be fearful of him running off,should I? I really hope not,I should be myself and keep all my options open.

Is it when one writes with such strong emotions,readers reading it can feel it too?
Or is it because the author meant a lot to the reader and hence,the reader conprehending every bit of emotion the author had wrote?

Just to grasp that bit of feeling of him being around,of course,I went to read. Then again,some times whatever he wrote was so true that I wish he was the one reliving all of it instead of me. As his interest does not lie in me,as clarified before,much this facade of cheerfulness,my heart's sinking a little. Bit by bit. Oh wells. Yes,I should move on. Even though he's got second thoughts,I dare not hope either. Just move on,and when he's told me that he still feel that a 'second chance' wouldn't work out,I wouldn't feel disappointed. And to be able to happily tell him,genuinely say:
It's okay!
with a bright smile. You know.

I did wonder what if he says its working out? I do fear,there's this insecurity in me,in being with him. I'm quite perssimistic in this area,especially. So,I still feel that the chances of being together are very slim.

Even if it does,I know I will be in bliss. And I know that my friends would be genuinely happy for me,because I have finally gotten what I want. Or deserve? = Efforts paid off.

You told me,
you told me.

-gasp-

Are my wishes finally coming true?
Has God heard my prayers?

It didn't take me long,just a few minutes ago I had an epiphany.

Of what's happened earlier in the day.
You see,these 2 incidents made me very,very angry with myself. For the laziness. First of all,my tuition teacher had went through my chemistry homework with me. And today,I forgot to bring and had to photocopy another one. And redo everything. Never mind if I actually knew and remembered what my tuition teacher had taught me. But it's VERY bad. It seemed like I didn't bother to remember. I just can't do. What the hell is wrong,seriously. People have got expectations in me,I can't go around letting people down. And most importantly,myself. I have a higher expectation.

Second thing,I don't wanna go for peer tutoring for emath. It's a waste of my time. And it ends so late. What the hell is the school thinking? Torturing us in school for more than 12 hours? Hello,I have yet to count the number of hours we spent travelling to and from school. I simply don't feel that cramming all these information into our head is productive,we need time to process and be firm/sure of what we are learning. So that when exams comes,we can be very sure of what we're writing. What utter rubbish is this,to try and cram our head full of information which we aren't that sure of to be put into written exams.

A horde of rubbish.
They are damn good at questioning our ability to score As. But hey,I understand the good intentions to help,but not in this manner. There's a better solution to this,which I think you lot of brainiacs should put together and solve this problem. Not expecting us to rise up to you all expectations. There's only that much we can do,and it's not like we aren't willing to learn you know. It's just that,there's a limit.

Please don't go away.

I would dread the day that you tell me that you are going to leave. It would be very selfish of me to ask you to stay,despite knowing that you could have a better future elsewhere. But it's my thoughts,I know you ultimately have the control of making that the decision to leave.

I don't think I will ever tell you how I feel,because I don't want what I said to affect your choice. I know you will have a better future out there.

And I know,I will be very sad and cry badly when you really do leave.
I dread the day you tell me that you are going to leave. I do hope that,that day will never come.

The irony of 4:1.
The magnet of attracting weird people whom I wouldn't care about,claiming that they like me and would do whatever it takes for my attention. I guess I can really be cruel at times when it comes to dividing my attention among my friends. For the 4 of them,reading what they sent and ignore those text messages. I just feel that I don't need to be bothered by them. But I can sense that longing for attention from me to them.

As for me?
It's just him. I just hope that he can tell me something. Some how,I'm waiting.
Yet not waiting at the same time too. Isn't it ironic? 4 are waiting for my replies to them.
And I'm waiting for that One's reply.

The irony of 4:1.

PLEASE.
Stop telling me that you're from this JC,that JC. It's giving me stress!
I feel strongly pressurised to do well. Not that it's expected of me,but I had subconsciously expected myself to do as well as them. It's NOT okay to not do well.

SEE? There we go again,subconsiousness. I gotta make it.
I. HAVE. TO.
Gahhhhhhhhhhhh.

When I die,
Toast me with a glass of whisky dry.

___________________________________________________________________
I wish you could see me now,
the way you make me smile because of the fond memories we made and share.
(: | :)

There seemed to be so many things that I wanna get it off my mind lately. Perhaps it's the hormones,mood swings.

Lately,it seems like I have made many revelations,epiphany. Right now,I'm listening to this:

I'm enjoying it,partially it feels like an emo song. Another thing about this without the lyrics,is that Tick-Tock by Ien Chi has put an image to this music-video-less song. It has created an image of someone who's life is about to end and someone who urgently needs to confess of everything that he has ever done in his life.

But anyway,I have finished reading "Looking for Alaska". So many quotes provoked and form questions in my mind,which I feel that is in relations to reality. Not that solving them would make my life any better but understanding why things are like that may help.

The key here is not to eradicate but to pacify them.

"I go to seek the Great Perhaps"
What is this great perhaps in my life? Would things turn out differently if I proceed and seek this Great Perhaps,this big question mark? How would I deal with this question mark? Some people went to fortune-tellers,palm-reading etc to answer to this question. How true is that? What difference would it have made in my life?

"How will I ever get out of this Labyrinth?"
This 'Labyrinth of Suffering' was quoted as what many of us face in life. The never-ending suffering we went through everyday in life. By buddhism,sufferings are cause by desires. So in other words,perhaps the solution was to understand and pacify desires? In the book "Looking for Alaska",Alaska wrote down the answer was 'Straight and fast',which got Colonel and Pudge puzzled by these simples words she wrote. It was a great mystery,I suppose. Written for us readers to actually find out on our own. So my conclusion to this question:
Pacify/eliminate your desires.

Him
He was sorry for leading me on,a false sense of hope. But I think I'm even more sorry for myself to fall into this pit,this... Sort of helplessness. No emotions are logical to be explained,they are mere feelings. Even as I told xt and jq,repeating my story,they understood the state I'm in.
Because I told them,the only thing I can do in this situation was to shake my head and sigh,isn't it?
They couldn't agree more with me.
To wait isn't the right way because this will lead nowhere. Nor is moving on,because who am I moving on to? Moving on from what,to what? It's just like I'm just a person who's hanging in mid-air,with a rope on my neck and dying slowly.
Tell me,what do you want from me?



Some times,I just feel that people talk too much. Not that I have many things to talk,I think I'm better off as a listener. But some times,when there are things to be said,those are the main points that I want people to know and understand. Some times,they just talk too much about themselves that they forget that they need to stop and listen to others too.

Cream coloured ponies and Apple strudles,
Roses with a tint of love I adore.

Where the skies merge,
There I stood.

That In Between
The rain poured but I will wait.

Still up at this hour.

It's only the end of the first day of school,but I'm definitely feeling more studious. Every time I get stuck at a question,I hear his voice guiding me and telling me what to do,what I should look out for. It's just an imagination,probably an inner voice or intuition guiding me. More like a record player on the play,playing back the exact sentences that he has told me before.

Again,its only the first day of school. I'm feeling very motivated! I believe the effort is going to pay off but then again,who's going to see? Maybe they saw but didn't say a word about it.

At the end of the day,a tedious long day which I'm mentally exhausted from 8-5,I only have a wish. That there would be someone around who would give me a long hug,a shoulder that I can rest for that moment before we both get back to the same routine again everyday.

Just a long hug,a quiet moment of the evening.

My determination to go to TJC is more than ever now.

With school starting tomorrow,I feel so much more motivated and studious knowing that there are people whom I can ask for help in school. I enjoy packing and sorting out all my notes,knowing these will be the precious information that's going to get me going to my goal at the end of the year.

JIAYOU!
I know that at the end of the year,the results shall bear fruit to all the effort I put in now. I MUST REACH TJC. It's either there or nowhere else. I MUST REACH THERE. I HAVE TO AND I MUST.

I do wish sometimes he could tell me something that gives me a little glimmer of hope.
You know,sigh.

Had tuition today and he lost his patience. Not that he blew up,but I could sense a very huge disappointment in his tone. You know,breathing out very slowly and slowly softly,slowy.... You just know it. Well,some times he seriously makes me feel like I'm stupid. But whatever. Being smarter academically is for my own benefit too and damn,I do wish that I'm smarter.

Some times.. I just feel that I'm very turned off by him. He's got a bit of ego in him. Yeah,I know he's charismatic,but humility please. Otherwise it's just such a turn off. But then again,isn't me being turned off a good thing? I mean,then I can move on from here. And his mind is just so,just way too complex for me to understand. I have a very simple and naive mind,you know. I cannot comprehend what goes beyond that,nor understand complexity.

He often questions what is happiness. Which got me thinking too,what is happiness? Am I happy? I would say yes. But why? Well,let's just say that I'm not unhappy about anything,or depressed. I'm happy with my life,the way it is. The friends around me,things that keep me entertained and perhaps even by listening to music. So may I ask,why does he seemed so unhappy? Like,unhappy about life,feeling so frustrated and agonising himselfe mentally? What a weird thing to do. Can't he just think simpler? Strange I suppose,but perhaps that's just him. Whatever. -shrugs-

I just kinda not wanna see him sad or agonize himself this way,you see. I'll be upset too to see him unhappy... Sigh. :(

Just,in any case,I just really really. Wish with all my heart,that he'd one day be..
Mine.

Not mine,but be with me.

"Is he blind?! Such a nice girl here right beside him and he still don't want?!"
Well. My dear,he has already made his decision and there's nothing I can do about it...

I just went to see Kar Min's profile. And I see her brother taking a leap in his profile picture. It must have been inspired from his sister. Smart and kind family,from what I remember of. I will never ever forget this painful memory from the past,that I actually have the chance to be like them. Irina's in RJC. Kar Min's in Anglo-Chinese Independent. I will never forget,I did have a chance back then. Elizabeth and I chose a different road.

Both of us may have a chance to experience life much earlier than them,all the fun in the world like what a teenager should have. But I feel that in the long run,in life,what they had done is the best. To study first then enjoy life much much later. Then again,which is better?

To be in our shoes,or their shoes?

Experience life much earlier,playing like what a teenager should?

Or miss out on our teenage life,study and earn big bucks in future. Indulge in the fineties of life much much later? Pros and cons of both options.

I feel obliged to catch up,and prove. It feels like I have been hibernating. Wait till I show them the hidden talent inside me. You know,like a sudden surge of intelligence being awaken in me. Or is that a joke? Hahaha!

To anyone who's reading this,many comments and advises you feel that you should be giving me right now. You think it will help me,but have you lived my life and seen through my eyes?

No.

What you think you dished out for me is what you think works best for me. I can listen,but ultimately,the decision is mine to make. I hope you can respect that as well,as I have always respected those that you all have made.

Hang on,I'm orchestrating a beautiful piece of music.

Some times,I have another voice inside me that pacifies me. That's my inner soul,whom I shut out its voice in my everyday life. Until I finally felt so frustrated,then I hear its voice. And this time,its gently pacifiying me. Telling me that:

Everyone is unique,we all are destined for a different fate. They may have theirs,paved out in solid concrete road. Its clear,its straight. Mine may not be a straight road,it may not be stable,but at least,hidden surprises are there along the way to make life much much more interesting.

Delights in life...

you're back in school,having fun with the juniors. haha,seemed kinda funny that sometimes i wish you'd spend more time hanging out with me. what a joke,who am i? LOL. but oh wells,who knows you might even be avoiding me,for the better for 2 of us. so that i don't get the wrong idea etc. OH WELLS. whatever. so yupe,I'm right now wondering what are you doing in school with them now. ever thought about me? i don't ask much,just wondering if you're thinking of me right now just like how i'm missing you right now? :)

really. seriously.

Yupe,definitely just a crush. Sigh,no mentioning of me at all in the latest post. Not a glimpse of hope or anything. Just about his clique and his ex. Oh wells,I'm just a normal friend blah blah.

Wait for this crush to past,2 months it will take I suppose. But I do admit the more I know about him,the less I like him. I suppose? I mean,the eagerness to know more about him isn't there anymore. Besides,I can resist replying him. Which is suppose to be a great thing,right? I mean,I used to eagerly like a happy little puppy jump on the phone every time it vibrates.

OH WELLS.

That's just about it. Disappointed. 2 months I would say,like any other crush. March-May-June. Yes,by June. Though we kinda make lots of plans in June. Or is it we or for himself? That's HIS problem. What's we? Well,I know one thing for sure that the time WE are going to spend together is intensive studying. Plus two outing,one is his birthday dinner and another which is to play table tennis. Many times we mentioned 3rd week we would enjoy,take a break. Live bar,clubbing and so on. Bahhh. All that crap. It's just false hope I suppose. Being a stupid taurus is sometimes just plain possesive. He's got his own life man! Who am I? He's not even mine to begin with. Bahhh,crap!

Why am I seriously so unlucky in love? Whoever that I like just doesn't like me back. What IS wrong?
Seriously.

Then it's like,I just wish I could move on. Find someone else who can entertain me or catch my interest. Then maybe he will miss my company,ask me to go back and so on? Kinda crap actually,it's just not possible. It's always,always like this all the time. Would there even be a beginning at all? No. Blah.

Feeling a bit frustrated that you seemed to take no heed of my liking for you.

We avoided that topic time and again. I'm ggrowing more restless. Or is my patience waning? As you always said,patience is a virtue. And I should more of it,its only beneficial to me. But still, I cannot help it! You know that I seriously like you a lot. But,I'm also disgusted by myself for liking a guy so much so much. It's just wrong,so wrong.
Oh so wrong.

What can I do? Wait for this crush to pass.

Every time I look at you in the eye,
and I asked why,
I really wanna know what you're thinking.

I love to look at you,
and see every detail on your face.
Wondering why on earth am I so besotted with you?

Sometimes I do look away,
cause I feel so shy with you around
Why oh why?

A student's thoughts

Books that bogged down,
As I trudge along the way to school.

Every day is a new beginning.
As I begin another journey to school.
Along the journey,and all that scenery;
My mind wanders.

Not to math,not to science.
But conjuring words of whims,
Of how,of when
I can break away.

6 months is all that's left.
So near yet so far.

It is
To the end,to the start.
Of all journeys.