Just feeling insecure,that's all.

It's not like I desperately need that status for affirmation. Sure,I can wait. It's just that his logical mind scares me at times,that I worry that I may be a disposable option to him. And the wait for year end. I don't know. I shouldn't be fearful of him running off,should I? I really hope not,I should be myself and keep all my options open.

Is it when one writes with such strong emotions,readers reading it can feel it too?
Or is it because the author meant a lot to the reader and hence,the reader conprehending every bit of emotion the author had wrote?

Just to grasp that bit of feeling of him being around,of course,I went to read. Then again,some times whatever he wrote was so true that I wish he was the one reliving all of it instead of me. As his interest does not lie in me,as clarified before,much this facade of cheerfulness,my heart's sinking a little. Bit by bit. Oh wells. Yes,I should move on. Even though he's got second thoughts,I dare not hope either. Just move on,and when he's told me that he still feel that a 'second chance' wouldn't work out,I wouldn't feel disappointed. And to be able to happily tell him,genuinely say:
It's okay!
with a bright smile. You know.

I did wonder what if he says its working out? I do fear,there's this insecurity in me,in being with him. I'm quite perssimistic in this area,especially. So,I still feel that the chances of being together are very slim.

Even if it does,I know I will be in bliss. And I know that my friends would be genuinely happy for me,because I have finally gotten what I want. Or deserve? = Efforts paid off.

You told me,
you told me.

-gasp-

Are my wishes finally coming true?
Has God heard my prayers?

It didn't take me long,just a few minutes ago I had an epiphany.

Of what's happened earlier in the day.
You see,these 2 incidents made me very,very angry with myself. For the laziness. First of all,my tuition teacher had went through my chemistry homework with me. And today,I forgot to bring and had to photocopy another one. And redo everything. Never mind if I actually knew and remembered what my tuition teacher had taught me. But it's VERY bad. It seemed like I didn't bother to remember. I just can't do. What the hell is wrong,seriously. People have got expectations in me,I can't go around letting people down. And most importantly,myself. I have a higher expectation.

Second thing,I don't wanna go for peer tutoring for emath. It's a waste of my time. And it ends so late. What the hell is the school thinking? Torturing us in school for more than 12 hours? Hello,I have yet to count the number of hours we spent travelling to and from school. I simply don't feel that cramming all these information into our head is productive,we need time to process and be firm/sure of what we are learning. So that when exams comes,we can be very sure of what we're writing. What utter rubbish is this,to try and cram our head full of information which we aren't that sure of to be put into written exams.

A horde of rubbish.
They are damn good at questioning our ability to score As. But hey,I understand the good intentions to help,but not in this manner. There's a better solution to this,which I think you lot of brainiacs should put together and solve this problem. Not expecting us to rise up to you all expectations. There's only that much we can do,and it's not like we aren't willing to learn you know. It's just that,there's a limit.

Please don't go away.

I would dread the day that you tell me that you are going to leave. It would be very selfish of me to ask you to stay,despite knowing that you could have a better future elsewhere. But it's my thoughts,I know you ultimately have the control of making that the decision to leave.

I don't think I will ever tell you how I feel,because I don't want what I said to affect your choice. I know you will have a better future out there.

And I know,I will be very sad and cry badly when you really do leave.
I dread the day you tell me that you are going to leave. I do hope that,that day will never come.

The irony of 4:1.
The magnet of attracting weird people whom I wouldn't care about,claiming that they like me and would do whatever it takes for my attention. I guess I can really be cruel at times when it comes to dividing my attention among my friends. For the 4 of them,reading what they sent and ignore those text messages. I just feel that I don't need to be bothered by them. But I can sense that longing for attention from me to them.

As for me?
It's just him. I just hope that he can tell me something. Some how,I'm waiting.
Yet not waiting at the same time too. Isn't it ironic? 4 are waiting for my replies to them.
And I'm waiting for that One's reply.

The irony of 4:1.

PLEASE.
Stop telling me that you're from this JC,that JC. It's giving me stress!
I feel strongly pressurised to do well. Not that it's expected of me,but I had subconsciously expected myself to do as well as them. It's NOT okay to not do well.

SEE? There we go again,subconsiousness. I gotta make it.
I. HAVE. TO.
Gahhhhhhhhhhhh.

When I die,
Toast me with a glass of whisky dry.

___________________________________________________________________
I wish you could see me now,
the way you make me smile because of the fond memories we made and share.
(: | :)

There seemed to be so many things that I wanna get it off my mind lately. Perhaps it's the hormones,mood swings.

Lately,it seems like I have made many revelations,epiphany. Right now,I'm listening to this:

I'm enjoying it,partially it feels like an emo song. Another thing about this without the lyrics,is that Tick-Tock by Ien Chi has put an image to this music-video-less song. It has created an image of someone who's life is about to end and someone who urgently needs to confess of everything that he has ever done in his life.

But anyway,I have finished reading "Looking for Alaska". So many quotes provoked and form questions in my mind,which I feel that is in relations to reality. Not that solving them would make my life any better but understanding why things are like that may help.

The key here is not to eradicate but to pacify them.

"I go to seek the Great Perhaps"
What is this great perhaps in my life? Would things turn out differently if I proceed and seek this Great Perhaps,this big question mark? How would I deal with this question mark? Some people went to fortune-tellers,palm-reading etc to answer to this question. How true is that? What difference would it have made in my life?

"How will I ever get out of this Labyrinth?"
This 'Labyrinth of Suffering' was quoted as what many of us face in life. The never-ending suffering we went through everyday in life. By buddhism,sufferings are cause by desires. So in other words,perhaps the solution was to understand and pacify desires? In the book "Looking for Alaska",Alaska wrote down the answer was 'Straight and fast',which got Colonel and Pudge puzzled by these simples words she wrote. It was a great mystery,I suppose. Written for us readers to actually find out on our own. So my conclusion to this question:
Pacify/eliminate your desires.

Him
He was sorry for leading me on,a false sense of hope. But I think I'm even more sorry for myself to fall into this pit,this... Sort of helplessness. No emotions are logical to be explained,they are mere feelings. Even as I told xt and jq,repeating my story,they understood the state I'm in.
Because I told them,the only thing I can do in this situation was to shake my head and sigh,isn't it?
They couldn't agree more with me.
To wait isn't the right way because this will lead nowhere. Nor is moving on,because who am I moving on to? Moving on from what,to what? It's just like I'm just a person who's hanging in mid-air,with a rope on my neck and dying slowly.
Tell me,what do you want from me?



Some times,I just feel that people talk too much. Not that I have many things to talk,I think I'm better off as a listener. But some times,when there are things to be said,those are the main points that I want people to know and understand. Some times,they just talk too much about themselves that they forget that they need to stop and listen to others too.

Cream coloured ponies and Apple strudles,
Roses with a tint of love I adore.

Where the skies merge,
There I stood.

That In Between
The rain poured but I will wait.